Volume 3, Number 11 - March 5, 2013

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Gregory Castillo
Gregory Castillo
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“Vote Or Die”

By Gregory Castillo

The printing press, combustion engine, and the computer are all examples of some of mankind's inventions that transcend time and change the world permanently.

Recently, the Apple iPhone and Kim and Kourtney Take Miami have joined these developments as models of 21st century innovation.

But what some may not realize is that the most important breakthrough in modern gastronomy— one that can and will change the world forever—has appeared under our noses: Lays' Sriracha potato chip.

In a advertising move that could only be fathomed by the brilliant mind of Madmen's Don Draper, Lays permanently changed the potato chip game with their "Do Us A Flavor" sales contest, and I'm here to advocate the only flavor that matters, Sriracha. But let's backtrack a bit.

If you're living under a rock on a different planet in a different universe that's been swallowed by a black hole, I'll explain.

The contest let millions of people create their own flavor of potato chip and three ingredients that would be in said flavor.

Once the creation stage ended, fans would vote for the best flavors, eventually narrowing down the three finalists, which were selected to be: Cheesy Garlic Bread, Chicken & Waffles, and of course, God's favorite Sriracha.

The winner of the contest wins a million dollars, or 1% of the flavor's global net sales, whichever is higher.

Let me save you some time. Chicken & Waffles tastes like maple syrup and leftover KFC, Garlic Cheesy Bread had potential, but it's just too subtle. The real tour dè force is Sriracha.

The brainchild of Tyler Raineri of Lake Zurich, IL, a young man clearly impregnated with flavor by the holy ghost of chef Thomas Keller, the chips, based on the incredibly popular sauce made of chilies, vinegar and garlic, rise above their competition astronomically.

This is our generation's voyage to the moon. Nothing is the same anymore, and if you haven't tried them yet, head to your nearest supermarket and buy 67,000 bags of them before it's too late.

And if you have the money, buy some of the other flavors and shoot and post an Al Qaeda-esq grainy video of you holding them hostage before execution.

Whatever you do, before May 4, 2013 vote for Sriracha or die. The choice is up to you (but it really isn't.)

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